Yesterday, I rewatched one of my favorite documentaries, Old Lesbians. It documents the Old Lesbian Oral Herstory Project, a collection of 25 years of interviews, stories, and memories from 800+ lesbians over 50 years old, chronicling their herstory.
Being a lesbian, myself, the film highlighted a gap in my own lesbianism and made me think deeply about it. The gap manifests as a question – an initial strike and a slow burn – something you consider when questioning your sexuality and perhaps eventually forget at the expense of other, more pressing worries. Soon, it becomes a common question that many lesbians know too well and end up accepting.
The question I’m talking about is “What happens to us when we get old?” While not unique to lesbians, it’s one that many young people think about. In my experience, many of my lesbian friends don’t have non-celebrity lesbian role models to look up to. Besides your “gay awakening” which took the form of the mom in your favorite childhood cartoon, or Ruby Rose’s character in Orange is the New Black, many of us don’t have someone with a shared experience who we can talk to. While some of us had a gay aunt, a P.E. teacher who you just knew, or the neighbors down the street who had been roommates for years, many lack close bonds with old lesbians, therefore lacking the ability to think of ourselves as individuals in the future.
Maybe it’s just a me thing – I thrive on planning as far ahead as my little brain can handle and I’ve had an evolving life plan since I started journaling in third grade. When my little brain runs into the issue of not knowing, my plan starts to crumble. My lack of old, local, lesbian role models has led to my inability to picture myself as an old lesbian. My life plan turns into one that is loveless and career-centered. Sure, I’d love to have a life partner to grow old with, but what does that look like?
While I enjoy the freedom and flexibility of getting to invent myself and define what it means for me to be a lesbian, it becomes overwhelming when the examples of who I can be are limited to the unrealistic portrayals I see in the media. “What happens to us when we get old?” becomes an old wound I continue to slap a bandage over; at this age, I feel simply unqualified to answer it. This is where Old Lesbians comes in. The documentary showcases a handful of the hundreds of old lesbians who were interviewed- showing them with gray hair, crow’s feet peeking at the corners of their eyes, and holding tight onto their partner.
I watch this documentary through tear-filled eyes and wonder when I’ll figure out an answer to my question. Knowing that someone else has figured it out, over 800 people have figured it out, not only gives me a few examples to draw from, but also gives me faith that I, too, will figure it out.
That being said, I’m still soliciting old lesbians to be my friend. Let me know if you know of anyone.